Holiday Harmony: Mastering the Art of Family Gatherings

0:01 Welcome to the Healthy, Wealthy, and Wise podcast with Dr. William T. Choctaw, MD, JD, where the doctor helps you unlock your full potential by equipping you with tools and knowledge in the areas of health, wealth, and wisdom. Anchored in his experience as a business executive, a physician surveyor for the joint commission, a former mayor, and over 50 years of experience as a general surgeon. You've got questions, he's got answers. So let's get started. Here's Dr. William T. Good morning. Welcome to the leadership masterclass. Um today we have a very interesting topic.

0:44 Uh what? What we're going to talk about today and one of my favorite subjects is holiday stress, and so we're going to provide a little holiday therapy for you and for all our listeners out there today. Next, please. I believe life is about being of service to others. I believe knowledge is power. I believe leaders can change the world and you notice that I have my beliefs and I say it every single time I give any presentation. Why do I do that? I do that because it lets you know the why. Behind what we're talking about. Um, and what are the beliefs behind what we're talking about?

1:25 We're talking about service to others. Um, we're talking about knowledge and growing with that knowledge. Um, and then we're talking about taking that knowledge and changing the world. We can all agree that we don't necessarily like the way things are going on in the world. So what are we going to do about it? What are we going to do about it? We can change it and we can change it by acquiring more knowledge. Next, please. Now, I always like to put up an outline and the purpose of the outline is sort of let you know what we're going to talk about. Um, and to let you know what order we're going to talk about it. And as importantly to let you know, when we're just about done. So when we get down to mental exercises, then, you know, we're just about done.

2:09 I am one of those time people. And let me explain. I'm one of those people. If you tell me to be somewhere at 10, I'll get there at 930 because I don't want to be late. So I'm always early. Uh, I hate being late. Uh, so I, I have this thing about always respecting other people's time that you're just as busy if not busier than I am. So I always want to let you know what we're going to talk about. Um, so we're going to talk about, um, how we think about, um, um, the holidays and we're going to talk about rules around gatherings with the family rules about guests.

2:50 And then we'll end up with some mental exercises. Next, please. This presentation is part of the masterclass series. Um, and let me sort of, um, take you back to how this started. Because today, this month is a very special month. This is our one year anniversary. And quite honestly, The way this started. True story. I'm a member of the men's class. I under the tutelage of Robin Collins and Robin Nickens. And one day after class, I approached Robin Collins. This is doing the covert thing time. Uh, and we were in in Simpson Hall, different parts of the auditorium.

3:33 And I said, Robin Collins, I have an idea about setting up a master class, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And he said, that's a great idea. That's a great idea. He didn't even ask me about details. Um, and my point is, I share that story. If he had said no, that would have been no masterclass. This whole year would not have occurred. But he immediately embraced it. I also presented it to Reverend Nickens, um, uh, one, one, one Saturday. There was an affair here at the church and we were talking about it. And he said to say, oh, so that's a great idea. It's a great idea. I mentioned it to. Uh, Robin Reeves is also great. I just great idea. So my point is, because of the support of many of our leaders here at church, we have all been able to experience this 12 months of leadership masterclass.

4:21 And so I'm very grateful for that. Next slide, please. So much of the. Uh, masterclass, all of the masterclass is based on my years of lessons learned more specifically, uh, my 50 years of medical practice. And these are things my patients have taught me that my patients have taught me. Yes. I went to school, good school, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. But what I learned was school can only teach you so much. Could only teach you so much. My patients have taught me 50 years worth of, of advice and important issues. And these are some of the things that I'm going to share with you today. Next slide, please.

5:02 So, personal note, this is my favorite holiday of the year because Christmas, because Christmas is my birthday, my birthday. And it being when I was born, uh, a number of years ago, my mother told me I was special and my mother never lies to me. And so . So when she told me I was, I believed her, I said, yes ma'am. Yes ma'am. Yes ma'am. I think people say, you know, brought on Christmas, you know, did you get like one gift and that was for Christmas? No, I got two gifts. I got two gifts. So I was not cheated on Christmas.

5:44 I was rewarded on Christmas. So, so my, my point very quickly is this is my favorite holiday, right? This is my favorite holiday next week, in addition to being my birthday. So let, let me go back, take you back to one of the other presentations that we've made and let me say that the masterclass is a combination of lecture on second Saturday in each month and podcasts. So the masterclass occurs once a month, the podcasts occur once a week. So the two are together, but we'll talk about that later. But one of the things that we talked about some months ago, when we talked about mental health.

6:27 is that it is our beliefs that affect how we feel. Think about that. If I believe people who wear black shoes are bad people every time I see somebody with black shoes, I'm going to say, Oh, that's a bad person. That's a bad person. That's a bad person. That's not true. That's just my belief. What's my point? My, my, my point is it if you're going through life and you're not happy, or if you're always uncomfortable, if you're always suspicious, if, if, if you always think the worst of what's going on, go back and evaluate what your beliefs are and ask yourself, well, why did those beliefs come from?

7:10 Did something happen to me when I was a kid? Did somebody tell me? And reevaluate those beliefs. And many times what you will find out is those beliefs are not true. Here's my point. You can change them because they belong to you. Right? So my point is our beliefs affect how we think. Think about people who are walking down the street. They see somebody across the street or somebody is coming toward them, say, maybe of a different race, And they sort of move over to the side because they're a little uncomfortable and they don't know whether this person is going to rob them or whatever. Our beliefs affect how we think. Doesn't mean that the beliefs are right, it's just they're our beliefs.

7:53 How we think affects how we feel. Have you ever talked to people? who were never happy. You said, well, how are you doing? So, oh, it's terrible. Then they tell you all the bad things about why it's terrible. Uh, and it doesn't matter because they will always think that things are bad. So, my point very simply is, if you're one of those people who's always miserable, nothing is never good, there's always a problem, go back to your belief system. Go back to your belief system and ask yourself, well, why, why do I feel this way? You know, why am I not happy? Like, You know, John or somebody else. Why am I always miserable? Many times that is within your control.

8:35 It is not that people are doing things to you. Nobody is doing anything to you. It is what you perceive. Okay. Matter of fact, I would argue it doesn't matter what people do to you. It's what you perceive. And we'll talk about that later. So to summarize, what I'm trying to say is our beliefs affect how we think, how we think affect how we feel, how we feel affect how we act. Have you ever seen people who are always acting up? That's a reason for that because they feel a certain way they either feel paranoid or they feel uncomfortable. They feel upset or whatever, whatever, whatever. I can go on and on and on, but it's based on certain thoughts, right?

9:19 And those thoughts are based on certain beliefs and those beliefs may not be true. My point very simply is you can change that. Give an example. I have a fear of heights. I am not one of those people you want to take to the Grand Canyon or where I know. No, I'm not one of those people. Now, I might add my wife is very opposite. My wife will go up to the Grand Canyon and even jump off. I mean, she's braver than I am, but I am afraid of heights. So if you want me to go, I'll give you, I'll give you a classic example. I've used this example before, you know, downtown Los Angeles has a building called the Bonaventure. Okay. You go down to the Bonaventure and when you get into the elevator, it's a glass elevator.

10:01 Bonaventure is very tall, right? So when I get to the Bonaventure, I do not look out the window. Does that make sense? You know, I, I turn my back to the window. I look at the door. My best friend, who loves to give me a hard time, would say, Oh, look at that. Look at that. Look at that. Oh, you just missed it. You just missed it. So my point is. Now, there's nothing bad that's going to happen to me by being in the Bonaventure. That's just how I think. Now, I don't know when I first became afraid of heights or whatever, but my point is, I can change that. I can change that. And many times, individuals who are afraid of flying, who are afraid of heights, or whatever, whatever, we call them neuroses, not psychosis, that's a different issue, but they're relatively mild.

10:51 Usually, a psychologist or psychiatrist can work with them. And change a lot of those fears or anxieties, we call them, but my point is it really is all in your head when people say, Oh, that's just it. Yeah, it is all in your head. Okay. My point is you can change it. You can change it. And that's the point I want to get want to get across that. In effect, I am in control of me. I am in control of my happiness. I am in control how I feel. I can't blame that on somebody else, but why don't you make me happy? No, I have to make myself happy. You can't make me happy. If I don't want to be happy because my mind will always be in control.

11:32 So my point is we are in control of ourselves. And if we don't like what's going on with us, change it. Change it. Nobody else can but you. Okay, next slide, please. So, a little anatomy here. Uh, this is a picture of the brain. These are the different parts of the brain. I want you to concentrate on the red area, what we call the prefrontal cortex, or the frontal lobe. I, I, I, analogize this to, uh, if you're flying in an airplane, this is where the pilots would sit. Remember, they sit in the front of the airplane, up high. Uh, I call the prefrontal area. This is where our memory is. This is where our thoughts are.

12:13 This is where our beliefs are, and this is what we control as human beings. This is what we control. So your, you control your brain, your control, your brain controls, how you think, what you believe, how you feel, and ultimately how you act. Okay? I used to say many times when I was growing up, uh, or particularly in college, educate me and you can change my behavior. If you don't like the way I'm acting, educate me, educate me, put a book in my hand, send, send, send me to a class or, or a treat or sit down and teach me, you know, read beside me, educate me and you can change my behavior.

12:54 But my point is. We're in control of this prefrontal lobe, prefrontal contacts in the frontal lobe. This is where our memory is. This is where our thoughts are. Um, and so we control those thoughts. Next slide, please. The bottom line, particularly about the holiday season. Uh, it's to stay positive. Why do I say stay positive? I mentioned earlier that my birthday was on Christmas and this is my favorite holiday. And I love the Christmas season, Thanksgiving, Christmas, whatever. But what I learned from my patients, a lot of people hate it. A lot of people do not love it. Do it. It stresses them out. Um, something bad happened maybe five or 10 years ago. They remember it.

13:35 And every time that season comes back around out, those feelings of concern come back up again. So, so my, my point is, enjoy the holidays, but be respectful. And and appreciate the fact that everybody may not feel the way Dr. William T. Choctaw, MD, JD: you feel and that that's okay. That's okay. People can feel however they want to feel. Whatever works for them is is okay. But because we are our brother's keeper, we are our sister's keeper. We want to stay positive. We want to make sure that we're not the reason for people to have a bad time or the bad experience that we want to be that that that shine and light.

14:15 Uh, that that that helps to make people feel better. Next slide, please. So some some basic and I'll call them Dr. Choctaw rules. When you get together with friends and family or coworkers or whoever, avoid political disagreements. Okay, if you want to have a nice time and not get into arguments and people fussing and fighting, try to stay away from politics. Now, this is not new. We've all been told, you know, avoid discussions about politics and religion, you know, so you don't get into fights and everybody's happy, whatever, but particularly during the holidays. And partly because there's a lot going on in the world.

14:55 There's a lot going on in the world. If you do have those discussions, again, be respectful. Doesn't mean everybody have to agree with you. Um, I would even go back to the, to the men's class and, and, uh, God bless Robin Collins, but sometimes we get into discussions in the men's class and he has to sort of stand up and Calm the waters. And then we all, we all sort of sit down and then we're okay. And he knows what I'm talking about. I'm not going into detail. But my point is during the holidays where you want to have a nice time and you want to, you want it to be positive. You be the leader.

15:36 Don't expect anybody else to do it. You do it. You do it. Uh, you, you, you be the lead and leaders go out front. Okay. That's the difference between leaders and followers. Followers follow. Leaders go out front. Leaders go out front. And so be, be, be the leader with that and go out front. Next slide, please. So, let me go over one, one, one of my favorite issues about, um, um, Christmas. The financial stress of gift giving. Now, if you. I'm born with a silver spoon in your mouth, and you have always had, um, uh, well, there's not a problem for you. So you, you can just close your ears at this point, because I'm not talking to you.

16:19 All right. But if you're like most of us, and, and you do have to decide the left hand or the right hand or however you want to do it, Christmas time can be extremely stressful. I can remember in, in, in my school, um, Nashville, uh, we used to give gifts. Among among the classes, I didn't have anything to give gifts, you know, to my fellow class. I was, I was a foster kid from one foster home to another very stressful time for me. And my point is that even among families, um, many times we feel like, oh, so and so got me this last year. So I need to get something bigger for them this year. Don't do that.

17:00 Don't do it. It's not necessary. It's not necessary. Um, yeah. Give yourself permission should you choose to opt out of gift giving. It's okay. Just say, you know what? 2023, I just decided, you know, I love you. I really do love you, but I just decided I'm just not going to do the gift thing this year. I'm just, I'm just not going to do that. Okay? And, and, and you don't have to go over, you don't have to explain why a lot. Just say, I just decided, you know, not, not to do this year. The ones who love you and care about you will be okay with that. The ones who don't, um, You don't have to worry about them. Okay. Does that make sense?

17:41 And what's my point? You will be amazed at the stress. That folks undergo about spending money and particularly when it has to do with being like everybody else. And so they don't stand out, whatever. Again, if you've never been poor, you have no idea what I'm talking about. But those of you who have, you know what I'm talking about. And it's not a good feeling. And my point is, it doesn't have to be that way. Celebrate being together, not about spending money, but just about being together. But for the grace of God, we are alive today, and we're able to stand and sing, et cetera, et cetera.

18:22 So just make it about that. Next. So, so you have my permission. If you decide not to give a gift and somebody gets mad at you and say, well, you know, I went to one of those masterclass and Dr Chaka said I don't have to give a gift. So I decided not to. So you can blame me. It's okay. I don't mind that. Another point as you get with family and or friends That may very well be different people in that group who don't believe what you believe. Be respectful of that. Be respectful. Not saying you have to agree with them and not saying you change anything, but just be respectful, number one.

19:07 Number two, be honest. You know, I believe blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Honestly, you know, no problem with that. If possible, abort arguments, mainly because if you have an argument, you aren't going to change anybody's opinion because if you're yelling and screaming at me, you certainly aren't going to convert me if that's your goal. Um, but on the other hand, if you're respectful with me and you have a conversation with me and you educate me and blah, blah, blah, and show me some things that I may be more open to listening to what you're trying to tell me. But just, just some general, some general rules, okay? Next slide, please. Remember in social gatherings, and this is one of my favorite things.

19:53 There are two basic general types of people, two categories, and you all know this, but I'll just go over it anyway. They are introverts, introverts, and introverts. And there are extroverts. Okay. So if you're at a family gathering and you have a party with your family and there are people who are, um, um, uh, putting caps on their heads and jumping on the table and seeing an old anxiety, you may not be one of those people who's sitting up against the wall by yourself, uh, with your arms folded. And you're listening and watching.

20:33 It doesn't mean you're not enjoying it. My point is, everybody's not going to jump on the table and sing Auld Lang Syne. Some people will enjoy the party just as well by sitting and listening. And, and a lot of times we have this tendency to believe, Well, if you aren't doing it the way I'm doing it, there must be something wrong with you. Well, that's not true. God in his infinite wisdom made us different. Uh, and it's that difference that I think that diversity that gives us our strength and our specialness, but I put it be respectful of those folks who don't celebrate the way you celebrate. It's okay. And if you're one of those people who just sits and listens, don't feel like you have to explain anything.

21:17 You don't. You don't have to explain anything then about it. You know who you are and who's you are, uh, you know, but if, if you're one of those actually, because usually experts are the ones that run around grabbing folks. Oh, come on, come on, give me this, that. But if you're one of those people, just take a breath, take a breath. And, and if at your first Nonverbal communication with this person, you're sort of getting the feeling that they don't want to go. Don't push it is my point. Don't push it because even if you make them go, they are going to enjoy it because they don't want to do it. Right, right. Now, it may very well be that after a period of time, they may say, you know what, maybe I will come over. You know, how do I get there?

21:58 Then that's okay. But again, it goes back to the basic principle of being respectful, being respectful. Everybody is not an extrovert. Everybody doesn't do backflips. They don't, um, speaking by, I'm an introvert. I am not an introvert. I'm, but, but just, just be respectful. Next slide, please.

22:41 Okay, sensitive topic. I'm going to go there anyway. We all know. We all know. Okay, family. Now, family gets together. There's always one or two, but at least one in the family who's not going to follow the rules. We know this. He may be that uncle or that aunt or whoever, but there's always one. These are my, my personal approaches and I share them with you. Uh, now this one person at the group gathering, particularly after a while, after they've been drinking, let's, let's Stay the way it is. Um, one of the reasons why I don't drink and I recommend others not drink is that alcohol does bad things to you on multiple levels.

23:26 But I'll just start with the mind. It does things with your mind so that you either do or say things that you wouldn't ordinarily do or say. And, you know, if you've had friends who've gone through, they'll tell you the next day. Oh, my God. What did I do? What did I say? What did I say? True story. When I joined, when I was in college, I went to Tennessee State University, favorite HBCU, I might add, uh, and I joined a fraternity, Alpha Phi Alpha Fraternity Incorporated. Matter of fact, we just celebrated our 117th anniversary, founded in 1906 at Cornell University. But I digress, I digress. Uh, but But, but one of the things I, you know, and I told my brothers, I said, I don't drink, that's just me.

24:12 And of course, they would give me a hard time about this and that, but I said, I just don't do it. Um, and, and, and they, they would tease me to no end about it. But after about six months or a year, when we would go to a, uh, let's say a social gathering, When we would go to a social gathering, they would come up to me and they say, chalk talk, you know, I'm sure I'm going to do X, Y, Z tonight, uh, could you, could you keep my wallet for me? Cause I, I don't want anybody to steal it. And could you get my car keys for me? Because I don't want to lose them. And what I figured out, what happened was that in spite of the fact that they gave me a hard time, they respected my position.

24:54 Amen. I'm still, I was still, you know, a strong brother in the fraternity, uh, and they recognized that they needed help because they were going to purposely put themselves in a situation where they were not in control. And my whole thing is why in the world would I want to do that for any reason, for any reason, not that I'm a controller, but I am. That's why I was searching. So my point is. Uh, you do not have to go along with the group just because the group is doing it just because you're afraid. He said, Well, what's wrong with you?

25:35 And who do you think you are? And you think you better than us? And I remember when you were blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Now you are ignore all that. Just just pray for just just pray for him. Just pray for him. Um, Uh, but remember that as people start imbibing more and more and more, they start losing that natural self. You know, they're going to start getting loud and laughing more and screaming more and blah, blah, blah. Uh, many times they can get annoying depending on how large the, the, the, the group is. Uh, many times they can get a bit aggressive, male, female, female, male, et cetera. Um, Um, and so, you know, just try to avoid them if you can, but if not, prepare to leave early.

26:19 Say, thank you so much, love the food, God bless you, gotta go, or whatever, whatever terms that you want to use. And one of the things that I like to say, and this is just me, I don't think there is a middle ground here. If you permit it, you promote it. You know, that's just me. If you permit it, you promote it. You know, if you, you're a participant and blah, blah, blah, and say, well, I'm just doing it because it's the holidays and whatever, whatever. Well, you know, I, I just don't agree, but that, that's just me. So just be aware that there will be that person at your gathering. There will probably be at least one, and there may be more than one.

26:59 Just have a plan, is my point. Just have a plan, um, you don't have to be rude, you don't have to be mean, just say yeah, I'm sorry, uh, time, time, time to go. Next slide please. Another one of my favorite topics, because I think this is a topic that is not nearly addressed as much, both medically and non medically, is how we deal with, uh, those who are older around us. They, they, family, friends, church members, et cetera. Many times we don't understand them. And so we tend not to be as patient with them as we should. And we say, Oh, Mrs. So and so is so mean. You know, or Mrs. So and so is so mean, or whatever. If they are over 70 or 80 or whatever years of age, and I've even said 65 and older, um, things change.

27:48 Things change in terms of, of, of how people think. Things change in terms of people's attitude. Things change in terms of how people interreact with others and a lot of times as we get older. This is leaving aside medical conditions now like Dementia and Alzheimer's and all that sort of thing. Just be aware of that. Just remember that older patients Older people present with different symptoms than younger people when they're, when they become ill, they may be on medication. They may need to take their medication. A lot of times if they're at a gathering, excuse me, they may forget to take their medication. Older people many times have reduced energy reserves.

28:29 They may be, they may be some of those people who are sitting on the side watching everybody else. Don't necessarily think that you have to go and grab them and pull them to the center of the circle. If they say no, except no, you know, don't make them have to say it two or three times. You know, no, I don't want to. I don't want to dance. No, I don't want to whatever, whatever. Be respectful. Remember that as you get older, cognition, which is thinking, slows, slows. So if you're trying to communicate with them and there's a lot of noise and there's a lot of crowd, whatever, whatever, be more direct and be and speak more slowly.

29:10 Many times you have to repeat it. They're not being rude to you. They just don't understand what you're trying to say to them. So, so be aware of that. Be aware that musculoskeletal systems in the elderly is less flexible. Eyesight and hearing change, falls are common. If there are a lot of people running around, particularly little kids running around, people going upstairs, downstairs, be aware that if you've got that elderly person in your, in your midst, That you need to pay special attention to them. Um, uh, just just just to be a good host or good hostess. Um, many times, elderly folks may seem to be disinterested.

29:50 A lot of times they they're not hearing everything. So they don't really know what's going on. Um, look for signs of depression. among the elderly, particularly if they have lost a life partner recently last six months last year. And maybe this is the first Christmas that they are by themselves. It's a big deal for them and not on them for anybody. And it's just one thing to keep in mind as we celebrate the Christmas season. This season may be a lot different for a lot of people than last Christmas. And we just need to be aware of that. One of the things I like to recommend, particularly with gatherings of the family, is to assign a member of the family to the most elderly person there.

30:39 Trust me on this. Teenagers and pre teens love this. If you go to little Johnny and say, you know what, I want you to sit with Grandma, and whatever she wants, I want you to make sure she gets it. You know, and if she has any issues, you come and tell me the kid will love that because now you've given him or her responsibility, you know, usually most folks like their grandparents. Come on. I'm a grandparent. Come on. We're the ones they like. They may not like mom and dad. They like their grandparents. All right. So I assigned them to the grandparents or maybe it's a grand aunt or somebody, but that that way you engage them in what's going on.

31:20 This is particularly true if you were in a gathering where there are multiple languages spoken. Okay, let's say Spanish, English, right? And let's say there's a group of folks who are speaking Spanish only. Um, grab one of those teenagers or preteens who's bilingual, and say, I want you to sit by Mr. So and so, and whatever we say, I want you to let him know what we're saying. Okay? Uh, they will love that. They will love that, because again, you're showing them respect. Um, and also the other member who's there who doesn't speak the language appreciates it. Because the hardest thing is when folks tell jokes, you know, somebody tells jokes, it takes three minutes to tell it, then everybody laughs and then they tell you and you don't know what to do because they've got on to the next joke.

32:07 All right, so, so just just think about the little things that can end up making those holiday gatherings more, more, more beneficial. Next, please. Basically. Stay focused. And this is not just in the holiday time. Life really is too short not to enjoy it. Um, joy is up to us. I define joy as, as happiness, uh, repeatedly, um, stay in good health and stay happy. Next, please. There will always be negatives that will come up every single day. You will think negatives. You know, somebody may say, uh, um, whatever to you.

32:50 You may say, are they, are they dissing me? Did they, did, did she just criticize me? Did he just criticize me? Uh, I, I have a thing I say, you know, most of that stuff, when you think somebody is saying stuff, most times you're wrong. It's just what you think. You know, but people aren't even thinking about you, but yeah, you, you're perceived. So you get it all. You get in a lather. Oh, my goodness. Roman Collins said X about me. So the next time I see him, blah, blah, blah. I'm just going to stay away from him. Don't do that. Number 1, you're wasting time, your time. Number 2, you're wasting energy. Number 3, Roman Collins didn't do anything to you anyway. Okay, so, so just be aware that the most of the times the negatives that we think are our perceptions, they're not real.

33:37 They're our perception. I know because I do it. I'm better at it. I do it all the time. Um, and so it's something that we can all stop. Next slide please. Mental health exercise. Remember what I said. Just about done. We frequently talk about physical exercise, you know, so many times for me walking, running so many steps. Um, um, cardio exercises, blah, blah, blah. This is something I came up a few months ago, um, that I call mental health exercises. Easy to do. Um, and I think you should do them every day. Number one, think good thoughts every day. Now that, that can't, that can't be that hard to do.

34:19 Um, just, just think a good thought. Think good about good. Think about good people daily in addition to the thought. Think about a person can be somebody who's a family member, not a family member, but who's just a good person who makes you feel good when you see him or her, they smile, they do stuff, they laugh, they tell you a joke, whatever, think about at least one positive event per day. Think about something that's happened to you today on Saturday. That's been good. What are you grateful for? You know, as we used to say down south, count your many blessings, name them one by one, and you will be amazed at what God has done.

35:02 Just, just think about it. Okay. Um, a process, this is a process that takes time. Now you are going to suffer, uh, suddenly become positive overnight, but if you practice it again, like going out and trying to run or trying to exercise, you'll get better and better and better with it. Next slide please. Many years ago there was . Some of you may, some i, I, I may be dating myself, but, but, but some of you may be too young to, to remember that, but that was a singer called Bobby McFaren, uh, who put our, a song called Don't Worry Be Happy. And we used to all hung that Do. And that's sort thing. And my point is, it's, it's, it's a, it's a good, it's a good.

35:45 model to follow to keep that song with you. And when you get up in the morning or midday or before you go to bed at night, just remember how happy, how many happy things have occurred to you on this day. Next slide. In summary, command and control. We have command and control of ourselves, and that is physically lodged in the frontal lobe of our brain. Next slide. in the area called the prefrontal cortex. We are in control of us. Be aware of rules around family gatherings. Be aware of rules around gift giving. Um, uh, make sure that we mentally exercise daily, just like we physically exercise daily.

36:31 Um, and don't worry, be happy. Next slide. Always with these talks. Uh, and with the podcast, I always add in my basic principles. This is me. In my life, God is in charge. I am a physician of faith. Um, indeed it has been the, the, the influence and the training and the protection of, of, of God in my life. That's allowed me to do the things that I've been able to do. Second, basic principle, no bad days. I don't have bad days. I used to, I used to, I stopped having bad days about 30 years ago, because I figured out my day was either good or bad.

37:13 If I said it was. So I just said, I don't want them. They're all good. Simple as that. It didn't cost anything. I just did it. Um, uh, and so I pass that on to you that whether your day is good or bad, it's whether you say it is. If it is raining when you wake up in the morning, you can either say, Oh, my God, it is raining and I'm going to get wet and I'm going to get a cold and then I'm going to get sick and you can go on and on and on. Or you can say, Hmm. It is raining. Oh, what a beautiful day. It's cleaning off the leaves and the sun is brighter, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Your choice.

37:53 You're a choice. It's the old thing about is my glass half half full or half empty, right? I'm one of those people. I don't even go to the half full or half empty. I'm just happy to have a glass. Give me a glass. I'll work out the rest, right? So, so my point is if you're fortunate enough to have a glass, uh, be grateful for what you have in it. Don't sweat the small stuff. Most stuff is small. I guarantee you going back to me misperceiving something that somebody says it does. Principle number four. Forgiveness is therapy. Forgiveness is therapy.

38:33 I learned this 100 different times that again, if I perceive somebody has said or done something to me, forgive them immediately. Don't think about it. Don't look at the facts. The facts don't matter. Just forgive, forgive, forgive. Do it quickly and do it often. You'll be amazed at how that allows your command and control to keep you on a positive path where you don't worry about all that other stuff that you can't control anyway, right? And the last principle, number five, everything is a relationship. Everything is relationship. Relationships are based on three things. Mutual respect, Mutual trust and good communication.

39:15 If you have those three things, you have a good relationship. If you do not, you have work to do. Next slide. Just want to mention, I mentioned earlier that this series is part of a podcast. Uh, the masterclass is done once a month, every second Saturday in the month. The podcast is done once a week on average. Um, we've done over 35, 36 podcasts. Uh, so I would encourage you to go into our library of podcasts and look up subjects. Um, uh, and the way to do that is to go to Paton, become a Paton, P-A-T-R-O-N, dot pod bean.com, us slash.

39:57 H W W P. That H W W P stands for Healthy, Wealthy and Wise Podcast. That's Patreon, P A T R O N dot podbean, P O D B E A N dot com forward slash H W W P. The other thing, too, we were talking about earlier. This month is the one year anniversary of our podcast, uh, and we're so delighted. And again, the podcast and the masterclass of one and this again, if Robin Collins back in individuals who are on what we call our production team, including Jesse and Robin Collins, but also Tony McClendon, excuse me, Robin Revis, um, um, Mr.

40:42 Stella was very helpful when Pastor Dockery called him in our first three months. We were struggling because we couldn't get the we couldn't get the sound right. And you can't have a podcast if you can't people can't hear you and we just won't work. And so we tried everything. And so I, I finally went to Pastor Dockery. I said, can you help us please? Do you have any ideas? And so we thought he said, yeah, I have an idea. I'm gonna I'm gonna send Mr. Stella over. God bless him. Mr. Stella came over, pushed a few buttons and he said, do this, this and this and left. I said, call me if you, if you need me. And he was right. It worked. It worked.

41:22 So, you know, God bless Mr. Stella. Um, uh, so I'm, I'm, I'm very, very pleased, pleased about that. Pam also came to one of our meetings and she was very helpful. Um, so, so God has blessed us is what I'm trying to say. Most podcasts. Uh, fail within the first year. Most of them, 90 percent fail within the first year. We're in that 10 percent that survived because we're going into January 2024. Um, And so, so thanks to all of you and that's it, but please sign up as a patron so you can listen to the podcast anytime and go back and listen to old podcast.

42:02 There are a lot of people when you listen to those podcasts, you're going to be, you're going to hear comments from people like, um, um, brother Katron. Who had a story to tell, and he thought it important that he tell his story. It was a good story, and I encourage you to listen to it. Um, Brother Nichols, some of you may not know Brother Nichols. Brother Nichols is your photographer, Stephen. He just goes around doing his thing. Um, has a very interesting story. He's been interviewed on the podcast. Very interesting. Uh, I would encourage you, uh, to listen. Um, uh, Robin, um, uh, uh, Nickens is the name of the title of his podcast is symphony of life.

42:47 I just like the title. It's like you've said, um, but I would encourage you to listen that there are leaders among you who are doing stuff, you know, it's not just the people, you know, with this and the degrees and this and that there are people you don't have to have a degree to be a leader. There are people who are doing stuff every day, you know, the people who I, you know, throughout my life, uh, who had the biggest impact are social workers and teachers who got me to where I am now, social workers and teachers. So my point is, there's a lot of wealth and people in St. Stephen's that we don't even know. Brother Bernie. Uh, thank you.

43:28 Uh, Brother Bernie Brown, member of our church, sits on the, uh, the, the, the Board of Service Arms, attorney, retired, uh, prosecutor, L. A. County, um, did two podcasts with us. Because he had a couple things. He just wrote a book. So we did one on the book that he had written, then we just just did one on his life. Fascinating about the advice he gives growing up in South Central LA, UCLA, you know, Hastings Law School, etc, etc, etc. Um, but there's a, there's richness in our stories. In our stories, uh, and they're right here among us.

44:08 They're right here among us. So I would encourage you to to please, um, sign up as a patron and and and and and check things out. Let me also say there is a very special story. I'm going to put it out there right now. She's throwing things at the at the at the TV. Uh, there's a very special podcast that we just did a week ago, uh, called Lorena. If you want to know, if you want to know about the that special person, my best friend, listen to it in her own words. And just think about this. What if you say, you know, I thought about writing a book, but I don't want to write a book, but I do want to leave a legacy.

44:55 You know, for, I don't know, my family, my friends, whatever, whatever, maybe a podcast, 20 or 30 minutes, just say what you think. Two podcasts that are coming up, two outstanding folks, which is why we're saving them for last, um, you may wonder about this young man by the name of Jesse L. Hammonds. Nice guy, you know, just sort of floats around helping people, you know, you don't notice him unless you say something to him. I want you to listen. I want you to listen to his podcast. It's coming up in about a week. Okay. Um, uh, did you know that he worked for AT& T for 15 years, which is where his is 25.

45:40 Thank you. Which is where his, his tech savviness came about. Of course, you do know the, the relationship that just I'll do this real quick because I, I don't want to hold you got one minute. After I had asked Roman Collins and the folks about the masterclass in the park, uh, masterclass. Uh, Brother Hammonds, who's in the same men's Sunday school class, came up to me and said, Dr. Choctaw, uh, who's this po who's this math class for? And I said, it's for everybody. He said, just for St. Stephen's? I said, no, no, no, no, everybody, everybody. He said, then you should do a podcast. And I said to him, I know what a podcast is, but I don't know how to do it.

46:20 He said to me, I can help you with that. Fast forward, you know, 12, 12 months later, here we are going to January, uh, 2024. And, and finally, some of you may not know this, but I'm going to put it out there anyway. Uh, our leader of our church, Pastor Dockery, has agreed, uh, to, uh, set down for an interview for a podcast this month. Mm hmm. So that will also be coming up. I don't know why all these things happened, but clearly there's somebody in charge.

47:00 It's not me. I mean, it's not Jesse, even though Jesse is chief production officer, but it's not him. It's not him. But anyway, anyway, just sort of keep us in your prayers. Next slide, please. So, finally, be the change that you want to see in the world. If the world is not what you want to be, want it to be, change it. Don't sit down waiting for somebody else. You do it. Because that's what leaders do. Thank you. Have a great day. Are there any questions? They always taught me to count to 10 seconds.

47:42 Okay. Well, I have one, Dr. Chakta. Oh, yes, sir. Roman Nickens. How are you, sir? How is everyone? I am well. You may have covered this in past sessions or I am driving and I stepped out of the car for a moment. However, um, and if you covered it, please forgive me. I would like to know. Because you said Dr. Dockery and you're going to interview him so forth and brother Hammonds. You just went on mute. Hit your spacebar. Oh, okay. There you go. When will someone have the opportunity to interview you for your story? No, no, no, no, no one's interviewed me.

48:24 I, I, no, I, I, but I have told my story. Uh, in a podcast. And the name of the podcast is Amanda. Yeah. Okay. Fair enough. In those 35 that I mentioned. And this was a podcast I did for my mother. Splendid. And like I said, I may have missed it. Thank you so much for that. I will review that. I might say, I know that you're one of our subscribers. Uh, you, you, you can go and just pull that one down. But it's okay. It's one of one of my favorites. Okay. Splendid. Thank you so much, sir. No, thank you for the questions. That was it for me.

49:05 Okay. Any other questions? If not, then all of you have a terrific, terrific Saturday and have a wonderful Merry Christmas and Happy New Year. God bless. God bless. Thank you for listening to this episode of the Healthy, Wealthy, and Wise podcast with Dr. William T. Choctaw, MD, JD. Be sure to check out other great episodes covering areas of health, wealth, and wisdom at thwwp. com, and while you're there, be sure to check out the books, blogs, and other literature in your preferred format, and don't forget to leave a review, subscribe, share, and support the podcast.

49:48 That's it. That t h w w p. com. You've been listening to the healthy, wealthy, and wise podcast with Dr. William T. Choctaw, MD, JD.